Taboo subject drawing a crowd at Parsippany library

Taboo subjects involving death and dying are just a few of the topics discussed at the monthly Death Cafe at the Parsippany Library, one of a growing number of such gatherings around the world.

Despite being confronted with death on a daily basis through the news, movies and television, most people avoid the topic like the plague.

“We just had our fourth monthly Death Café. We really want to focus on discussion. Information you can get on the Internet but just sitting around in conversational style is almost becoming as antiquated as hand-writing letters,” said Stephanie Kip, a librarian at the Parsippany Library and a co-facilitator of the library’s Death Café.

“We are averaging 12-19 people, many of whom have thanked us for providing this forum to discuss issues that are usually taboo.”

The object of a Death Café is to increase awareness of death with a view toward helping people make the most of their lives now. Through group directed discussions, the informal gathering has no agenda, objectives or themes. Mostly strangers, they meet, eat cake, drink tea and discuss death.

“The core things we’ve talked about so far are, what three things come to mind when you think of death? What is a good death? What would you say or do for a dying friend or relative? And how is your view of death changed over the course of life?

“We talk about our experiences with our inside feelings and how to make the most of the time we have left. How to live every day like it’s your last, our irrational senses of immortality and how that feeds in to our denial,” said Kip, a volunteer coordinator at a hospice in Bergen County.

The public is invited to an Evening Death Cafe from 7-8:30 p.m. on Thursday at the Parsippany Main Library, located at 449 Halsey Road. Visitors should bring a lawn chair as the event will be outdoors. Pre-register by Wednesday, Aug. 12 at 973-887-5150, ext. 209 or visit www.parsippanylibrary.org. Cake will be served.

Kip holds each group to a maximum of 20 participants.

The café starts with everyone sitting in a circle before introducing themselves, “which is always very interesting because of the range of people who come and their reasons for coming. Then we split up. Ten people go into one room, ten go into another and everybody is allowed 5-10 minutes each to speak uninterrupted so people aren’t monopolizing or interrupting their stream of consciousness with questions or cross talk,” said Kip, whose husband coincidentally sells tombstones.

“One woman even came in and talked primarily about the loss of a friendship, a very close friend that just totally shut her down for no seeming reason. And it was very interesting because a lot of us connected the dots, it was a death of a relationship for her.”

Because Death Cafes are a discussion group rather than grief support or a counseling session, Kip carefully screens each participant beforehand to make sure everyone is there for dialogue and not therapy.

The Death Café model was developed by Jon Underwood and Sue Barsky Reid and based on the ideas of sociologist Bernard Crettaz. Underwood hosted the first Death Café in his home in Hackney, East London in September of 2011.

Kip attended her first Death Café in her hometown of Montclair after first reading about one in a newspaper article. After attending, she was more determined than ever to bring the topic out into the open for as many people as possible.

“I found them interesting, enlightening, I liked the people that I met. So I’ve been wanting to do this for a while. I think it’s wonderful that Library Director Jayne (Beline) was willing to go with the idea because when I’ve mentioned it to other librarians in Morris County, they’re like, are you kidding me?” Kip said.

“They didn’t think anyone would be interested and they said our administration wouldn’t even begin to allow that. Our library’s pretty liberal, I’m beginning to discover that. It never even occurred to me when we scheduled this that somebody might have an objection. I think this is a valuable resource. I just hope that people continue coming.”

Help the Homeless

Mimi is a grey and white girl who came to us from an overcrowded inner city shelter where her beauty was overlooked simply due to the volume of cats available. Mimi gets along with other cats and is very easy going. She is currently enjoying her time in a free-roaming cattery here but would love a home of her own. Mimi is at Mt. Pleasant Animal Shelter, 194 Route 10 W. in East Hanover. To meet her or see more pets, visit www.njshelter.org, email info@njshelter.org or call 973-386-0590.

Morris Plains Girl Scout is gold

Katy Zicker from Morris Plains recently completed her Girl Scout Gold Award with a leadership project, where she created a Web site for adopted teens ages 12-18 so they could share their experiences with adoption.

A member of Girl Scout Troop No. 2185 since the first grade, Zicker is a senior at Parsippany Hills High School.

Randolph school paper earns design award

The 2013-14 edition of “The Promethean,” the award-winning County College of Morris student literary magazine, has won a silver award in the education category of the 2015 American Inhouse Design Awards for the fourth consecutive year.

The 2013-2014 student staff was made up of graphic design students Duvan Agudelo, of Morris Plains; Jesse Amici, of Randolph; Chelsea Faresich, of Randolph; Kevin Nunes, of Roseland; and Robert Rivera, of Rockaway.

Staff Writer Leslie Ruse: 973-428-6671; lruse@GannettNJ.com.