Poetry helps transgender teacher through change
CHESTER TWP. – A decade into her transition, Kerri Nicole McCaffrey is going on 12 years teaching in Mendham, and releasing her third book of poems.
A fifth grade language arts teacher at Mountain View Middle School in Mendham, McCaffrey, 51, of Chester Twp., said she was the first openly transgender teacher in the state to keep her job after transitioning and be permitted to teach the same year.
McCaffrey grew up in Sleepy Hollow, N.Y., before moving to Madison in the fifth grade. She was then known as Herb McCaffrey.
“In grade school I knew I was a girl, but got bullied whenever I wore nail polish or a bracelet,” McCaffrey said. “So I went into hiding. I was in a prison. It was a big, existential sentence.”
A talented swimmer at Madison High School in the early 80s, McCaffrey received a partial scholarship to swim at Rutgers University.
“But I didn’t love it and there was too much overwhelming me. It was too depressing,” McCaffrey said. “I could not focus. I would be in class and see a girl in a dress and just think about it the whole time. I’d think, ‘why was she born correct?’”
McCaffrey eventually left college early and delved into retreats, searches, and Catholicism. She later completed college at St. Meinrad in Indiana and received her teaching degree through an alternate route program.
McCaffrey taught at Bayley-Ellard and Morris Catholic High Schools before moving onto Roxbury High School in the 90s. She began teaching in Mendham in 2004. She had two children, now grown but still living with her, with a woman who she has since parted from.
By that time she had gone through 10 years of counseling, and was told it was time for her to transition. President’s Day weekend 2005, at the tail end of her first year, she flew to Montreal to become female.
Becoming Kerri
When McCaffrey returned to school, she finished out the last few months of the academic year “reverse cross dressed” as Herb, hiding her new body to not confuse her students.
But she let the administration know of her transition in June and that fall she was prepared to start teaching as Kerri.
It was a trying experience. McCaffrey had to submit to an independent psychiatric exam to determine her preparedness to teach, tests she already went through before she went through her transition. But she agreed to take them again to get back to teaching.
“I had to be a perfect teacher that first year. It’s a lot of pressure,” McCaffrey said. “The improbability of getting tenure when there were no laws on the books was a miracle. I thought [after the transition] I would be out on the street in a box.”
McCaffrey also had to personally convince some parents to keep their children in her class.
McCaffrey recalled one parent in particular, a popular coach in Mendham, who wanted his child out of her class. McCaffrey worried that one student leaving would cause others to follow so she sat down with him for hours to convince him to keep his child in her class. The move worked, and McCaffrey said the meeting ended with a handshake, which meant a lot to her.
“There were people in town who didn’t want their kids in the classroom with me. I was being looked at very closely by the Board of Education. I was observed at one point for three and a half days straight,” McCaffrey said. “Some kids were really rude, though that might have come from their parents. They had to learn it somewhere.”
In more than a decade since, McCaffrey said she’s realized that however she felt about that first year after transitioning, it was natural.
“To go from Herb to Kerri and not expect that reaction was naive of me,” McCaffrey said. “But soon parents starting coming up to me and I realized I had people rooting for me.”
McCaffrey recalled a lighthearted moment from that first year after she transitioned, when a student from the previous year walked into her classroom, thinking she was her own sister. The funny moment served as an icebreaker for her and her fellow teachers.
For the most part, parents and faculty have been supportive, and with time, things began to improve.
In 2008, McCaffrey was named Educator of the Year by the New Jersey Center for Tourette’s syndrome and Associated Disorders for teaching twin 11-year old girls.
Teaching now
McCaffrey said things are very different now compared to a decade earlier.
“It’s so open now. There’s no more whispering after Caitlyn Jenner,” McCaffrey said. “I have friends in town, I’m settled in, and I get nice notes from people who seem to really like me. And I like them. It’s such a tribute to Mendham that they pulled it off, because it was not easy. I have a great opportunity here and a great life. And they let me give their kids a great life by teaching them. Mendham gets a teacher and I get a stable life.”
Debra Wellet, an 8th grade math teacher at Mountain View, started at Mountain View at the same time as McCaffrey and the two have become close friends.
“She’s fabulous, she really is. After everything she’s been through, she’s still so dedicated. And the kids love her,” Wellet said. “She’s humble, talented, wonderful. Kind, compassionate, and always interested in my life, asking about me and my family.”
Kyle Schickner’s step-daughter had McCaffrey last year, and he’s heard nothing but great things about her teaching.
“I think she’s amazing,” Schickner said. “My daughter loved her enthusiasm and her engagement. She’s my favorite teacher there.”
Schickner stressed that his step-daughter loves McCaffrey because she was a talented, kind teacher, and that her transition was never a topic of discussion.
“It never comes up with the kids,” Schickner said. “It’s not an issue at all. And I’m amazed and thrilled and proud that that’s the case. “
There are some unique opportunities McCaffrey’s transition has afforded her. One that sticks out was that she was able to participate in the Boy Scouts, helping her son achieve his Eagle Scout ranking, and also serve as an advisor for the Girl Scouts.
“But the best moments though are just when a student walks into my classroom and says ‘Ms. McCaffrey, I love your dress,’ or when I came back from being sick and there was a huge ‘Get Well’ card for me,” she said. “Or when a 10-year-old walked up to me and said ‘Ms. McCaffrey, how did you get to be such a good teacher?’ That’s how I get paid for my job.”
McCaffrey is also now coaching the 8th grade softball team.
And while it took some time for some of her family to adjust to her transition – “some just needed time,” she said – they now attend regular get togethers again.
“So much of this journey is not blaming but understanding,” McCaffrey said. “And I would like to help people understand more what I needed to hear when I was younger. Hopefully my story can help.”
Healing through poetry
McCaffrey said she has been helped by poetry and writing poems about how nature has helped heal her.
McCaffrey’s newest set of poems, “Walpack and Such,” details her time spent in the Sussex County town near the Delaware River. Many of Walpack’s residents were forced to leave in the 60s and 70s when a damn was to be built in the area, leaving much of the land and buildings vacant.
McCaffrey had fond memories of the area from her childhood and before and after her transition.
“It was a very cathartic and healing place for me when other places would not do it,” McCaffrey said. “I see God reflected in the beauty of nature there. It was a salvation for healing.”
“Walpack” is her third collection of poems, and details the town’s residents, buildings and nature through a conversational style of poetry. It focuses more on Walpack than her transgender journey, compared to her first two books of poems.
Some poems from her earlier work, like Dormant from “In the Valley of Glow Trees,” place a stark focus on McCaffrey’s experiences growing up. Dormant tells the story of McCaffrey watching her 5th grade teacher and wanting to grow up to be her.
“But the more I became Kerri, the less my poems became about being transgender,” McCaffrey said. “I’m so glad I have poetry. I don’t know where it came from, but it’s therapy for me.”
Wellet said McCaffrey is very quiet about her poetry. She recalled getting a copy of McCaffrey’s first set of poems, reading and enjoying it, and not realizing McCaffrey was the author until her husband pointed it out.
“I’m so happy for her success with her poetry,” Wellet said. “She goes above and beyond. Nothing stops her.”
The book, self-published, is currently available on Amazon’s sister website Create Space at https://www.createspace.com/5418001?ref=1147694&utm_id=6026. McCaffrey hopes it will available more online distributors including Amazon and Barnes and Noble by the end of the month.
She’s also completed a memoir which she hopes to release soon.
“What I went through was so painful, but if I can help one person there with my poems or my story, there will be that added grace,” McCaffrey said. “Just don’t give up. Even in your darkest moments, just cling on. Don’t give up.”
McCaffrey hopes her perseverance can serve as an example for others in the transgender community, and help push toward job equality.
“I want people to know I’m capable of being in a classroom and affecting people in a positive way. And I want prejudiced people to know a transgender person can teach,” McCaffrey said. “For people who don’t think we can teach or be writers, who secretly harbor this prejudice, here’s a story for them. I’ve been teaching 22 years now. Enough of thinking we’re not capable.”
To learn more about McCaffrey’s writing, go to her blog, thepoetseyes.com, follow her on Twiter at @KerriNicolePoet, or check out her Amazon author page at http://www.amazon.com/Kerri-Nicole-McCaffrey/e/B00HL7TH2C.
Staff Writer Michael Izzo: 973-428-6636; mizzo@GannettNJ.com
Snow Globe Girl
by Kerri Nicole McCaffrey
I grew tired of life in a snow globe
all perfect flakes and ice
standing there next to a tree
forever waiting for carolers
to come waltzing down the street.
It was my finest hour
when the wondering holder
of the globe—
mesmerized one day
dropped it
on concrete—
No more crystal glass for me
no little wind up song
playing the always charming
tune—
even when my life felt concocted
and wrong.
And when the globe broke
my whole world changed.
I ran from the shattered glass
and perfect storm
with my tiny
snow-globe girl feet
and dove into the green grass
which edged the sidewalks of spring.
Now, there is no music box underneath
but there are warblers overhead
in a season of full of risk.
But I can find a spot in the world
where I don’t have to fake a smile
for all those who
would look through glass
and expect me to be the same
day after day, year after year—
their tiny, trusty friend
smiling
to a constant carol
that I never picked
and of which I grew tired.
No.
Now, I am a snow globe person
who runs from those folks
because if they catch me
they might sigh,
lament what they miss—
might try
and throw me in the junk drawer—
and later,
try to fix
my globe.
I run very fast now
so very free,
because I’m afraid
they’ll also get the strange idea
they have to mend me.