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Tipping: Expert gives etiquette advice

ANN MARIE BARRON
Correspondent

We're all familiar with the awkward moment: A financial transaction has just occurred and a payment has been made. Now what? Is it over, or are you expected to dig deeper?

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Just when is a tip a necessity and when is it optional?

If you're not sure, you're not alone.

"We continue to get questions about it,'' said Daniel Post Fenning, an author and spokesman for the Emily Post Institute, the country's foremost authority on social etiquette. "It's one of our most common etiquette questions.''

Dining out

The most familiar situation to many patrons is dining out with table service. That's a no-brainer: You must leave a tip.

But, at other times, it's less clear. For this reason, the institute has general tipping guidelines posted on its website, www.emilypost.com.

When in doubt, if someone has helped you out, take the cash out, it says.

"I like to talk about tipping as an opportunity, and not an obligation,'' said Fenning. "A gratuity is really an expression of gratitude. It's just a way to show thanks.''

When dining out, the expected gratuity is 15 to 20 percent of the pre-tax bill, depending on the quality of service. A buffet dinner still requires a tip of 10 percent, assuming wait staff delivered water or some of the food to your table.

Randi and Steve Beck of Califon both worked for tips when they were younger.

For those serving you, it means a lot. "I always want to leave a good tip because, at the end of the night, tips mean the difference between a $50 night and a $100 night for someone,'' said Steve Beck, of Califon. "So to be denied that is hurtful.''

Beck admits that he and his wife, Randi, might be a bit empathetic toward waiters and bartenders, having worked in the service industry themselves. The two met in 1988 while working at Pizza Hut in Ledgewood. "If you were a server, you tip bigger — absolutely,'' he said.

Caitlin Colquhoun, 25, a bartender from Long Valley, agrees. "I over-tip tremendously,'' she said with a laugh. "I know what it's like to be on the other side. As long as it's decent service, you get at least 20 percent out of me.''

Tipping someone who delivers food to your door is another must-do, Fenning suggested, noting that when you have food delivered to your home, the tip should be a reflection of how difficult the delivery was, not so much the cost of the food.

Caitlin Colquhoun of Long Valley tends bar at Redwoods Grill & Bar in Chester.

Ordering take-out

And take-out food?

There's no obligation if you pick it up at the counter, but many restaurants offer curbside service. If that's the case, sorry cheapskates: Fenning answers, "yes," when it comes to tipping.

"Our general guideline is 10 percent tip for food that you pick up,'' he said, noting that several people in the restaurant, including the kitchen help and servers, are really depending on those tips as part of their wages.

Also, if you're a regular, it's always a good idea to leave something in the tip jar.

"I like to think of tipping someone as part of relationship building,'' Fenning said. "It benefits everyone. Both people benefit when a relationship is growing and supportive.''

Beck agrees. "If I see a tip jar, I feel compelled to put it in there,'' he said.

His wife said giving tips, like those she gives to gas station attendants who kindly put air in her tires, have a benefit for the giver, as well. "I'm saying 'thank you very much for helping me,' but being a good tipper affects your service the next time definitely.''

Among those you should never forget, according to the institute: Hotel staff, including housekeepers, bellhops and doormen. "If it weren't expected, I think very few valets would be willing to carry bags and open doors for people,'' he said.

Tipping at home

But what about those who provide services in your home? Exterminators provide a valuable, personal service and so do plumbers, the cable guy and the man who installs your new washing machine. Is tipping customary in these circumstances?

"I think its entirely appropriate,'' Fenning said. "Because there isn't a particular expectation about that, it's really up to you to think about what you can afford. If you're having a $6,000 oven delivered, you might think about a more generous tip. If you're on a tight budget, a little less is fine.''

Be discreet, respectful

And remember, the institute says, that tipping should always be discreet. "Tipping is a private matter,'' according to the site. "Don't act like a big spender and flash a lot of bills.''

Although, being generous — or not — will leave an impression with companions who might notice.

"When you go on a date, if they're a cheap tipper, it's such a turn off,'' Colquhoun said. "I don't think it's an obligation. It should be based on service — if you get excellent service, you should give a good tip.''

Most importantly, always be respectful, the Post website urges. "While tipping augments servers' incomes and rewards them for a job well done, treating them kindly is just as important,'' it says. "While tipping is meant to be a sign of appreciation for a particular service, it should first and foremost be accompanied by respectful treatment.

And what do you do if you're just not prepared?

"Never underestimate the power of your words,'' Fenning said. ""People don't always carry cash. Don't let that stop you from offering a really genuine 'thank you.' That's really what you're trying to accomplish with the tip.''

Do you have a tipping story? Email eabreu@dailyrecord.com

Tipping Guidelines

Here are some good guidelines to follow, comprised from several sources, including the Emily Post Institute and The Tipping Site, www.tipping.org.

Valet: $2 to $5

Bartender: $1 to $2 per drink or 15 to 20 percent of the tab

Hair Salon: 15 to 20 percent, asked to be split among those who served you

Manicure technician: 15 to 20 percent

Facial waxing, massage: 15 to 20 percent

Host or Maitre d': $10 to $20 for going above and beyond

Takeout: No obligation, but could give 10 percent for a very complicated order

Skycap: $2 first bag, $1 per each additional bag

Taxi driver: 15 to 20 percent of the fare and minimally $1 to $2 for the first bag and $1 for each additional bag

Dog walkers/groomers: no less than $2 per dog, per service

Tow-truck drivers: $5 or more for a tow; $3 to $10 for a jump start or tire change

Mailman, UPS or FEDEX: no tip expected, unless exceptional service is provided

Garbage collector: Holiday or seasonal gift of your choosing